Tuesday, July 24, 2012

2011- Gaining Ground- Backstory continued...

           The Second Quarter - Gaining Ground

God's grace was propelling me forward and I hoped toward my dream. I longed to return to the work that I love. Having been in law enforcement since leaving the military at the end of 1988, I didn't know anything else. Yet, uncertain that I would ever return to active duty with the Border Patrol, I had struggled through training at home to be a gunsmith. Building and customizing weapons helped occupy my mind and my time, but without patrol work- I just didn't feel like me.  Hard work and unrelenting dedication were paying off.  I was gaining ground.  But, I soon found I would need another miracle.

Several very debilitating oppressors remained; pain, balance, and neurological issues were constant obstacles.  Each day, I pressed through the hours and hardships by faith, grit and sheer determination.  Suddenly, I was literally blindsided, by a problem that could compromise all I was striving for.  Meticulously screened by specialists of all kinds; thoroughly evaluated and worked by physical therapy; plus, carefully managed independently at home- all bases were covered- or so we thought.  Ironically, we didn't even know this deficit existed until I did a "ride along" with a friend who was a deputy in Missouri.  It was a beautiful dark night when God revealed that strobe lights dropped me like a rock! Needless to say, it was a real attention getter and potentially devastating to my career.

God says in Luke 17:6 that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can expect miracles.  If you don't already know it mustard seeds are pretty small.  A good size reference would be smaller than the period ending this sentence.  Well, there have been a few times during the course of the past few years that I lost sight of my mustard seed for a time. This was one of those times. I struggled to reconcile my condition with the promise God had given me for my future.  I never lost sight of God, but I found myself confused and more than a little crestfallen.

When God creates the people He intends to join for a lifetime in marriage and as family, He equips them with special skills.  My wife and I have known each other our entire lives.  Beyond that, we have shared a deep and unbreakable bond since saying vows to one another in our childhood some 30 years ago. God engrained us with the skills necessary to handle each other, regardless of the circumstances.  Doubts flooded over me, and it took all the encouragement my wife could give for me to tackle this latest twist of fate.  Right there with me, she never left my side as we tested and studied what effects strobes had on me in different lighting environments and scenarios.  At one point, I was ready to cash it in, certain I would have to admit failure.  She listened quietly, then helped me to my feet, urging me to find the strength to try it again.  We approached the problem from different angles, until I could stay upright- for she would not allow me to end that night totally defeated and discouraged.

After that, Toni researched everything available, delving deeply into neurological studies, articles and case studies on visual triggers.  She spent hours trying to dicipher the intricate changes that this diagnosis of toxic neuropathy has left within my brain and spinal cord.  When we met with my neurologist for consult, he carefully stated that once such changes take place there is little hope that the brain would compensate after this long. Then, he carefully questioned if I had considered our previous discussions regarding permanent disability.  My confidence was waivering.  As always, my wife was unwilling to leave things on such a negative note.   Before we left town, she  recommended we stop by Physical Therapy to show them my marked improvements since they had not seen me since December.  While I was talking to a few of the staff members, Toni cornered a staffer who had worked closely with me.  A man who had pushed me to remain enthusiastic and truly dedicated to reaching my goals.  She explained the situation, the neuro's lack of optimism, and then asked opinions regarding some ideas she had been formulating.  Bart encouraged her to try "anything and everything"- agreeing that it would take "a miracle"- but stating that it was a miracle that I was even alive.  Those few words of support were all she needed to press me to get my second wind- reminding me that I had a purpose for God and a promise yet to be fulfilled.

The last medical visit before leaving Missouri was with my primary care doctor.   Over the three months since my last eval with him, I had come off of several medications and drastically decreased several others.  It was not easy, but it was carefully monitored and purposefully done.  For lack of better terms, Doc was pretty stunned.  He was so impressed with my progress, he sent me out to the hallway to walk back and forth, just so his staff could see.  Having seen me at my worst; wheelchair confined with protective head gear; unable to speak intelligibly; there were smiles all around and even a few tears. 

Now, here is where another test came in. I really wanted to try to return to work. This physician, as my primary, controlled just that. So, I thought about not telling Doc "the whole truth" about this visual trigger thing that would cause me to fall, but that wouldn't have been right.  So we discussed this newest, unexpected twist.  Beyond a miracle, he had nothing else to offer...except faith and encouragement! 

He questioned us thoroughly.  While he always listens to me carefully, there are many times that he studies and questions Toni to assure himself that he has the full understanding of the medical complexities which I relate in layman's terms.  We have a good rapport, but they "talk the same language". Plus, he counts on her as his eyes and ears regarding my day to day progress; and she gives him the concise medical details of my failures and accomplishments.  One thing too, she can be brutally honest.  She supported my goal of going back to work 150%- but, told me from the very beginning, that if I ever attempted going back to work before it was safe- she would be the one to shut me down.

So, she explained "safe" to my primary doc, as she had explained it to me.  Relating how, long ago when we were but kids, she came to grips with the fact that I was wired for a very "high speed, low drag" kind of life.  I have always pushed everything to the edge of reason, and occasionally beyond.  Then, when I left for the military after highschool, she lived each day with the fear and understanding that one day she might get "that call", notifying her I been killed during a mission.  This continued all through my years in local law enforcement and SWAT.  Returning to work, specifically going back to the Border Patrol, would put me back in the cross-hairs again.  I have never feared death at any time that I have faced it- and I do not fear it now.  She has always known me well- and at times, better than I know myself.   She explained to Doc, as she had told me, that she was prepared to let me return to work, even knowing that I could be killed.  But, that there would never be a day that she would allow me to return to the field if I was not totally fit for duty, because she knew if I ever felt I had endangered another agent that would be too much for me to bear.  Yes, s
he knows me well.

Doc looked me directly in the eye and said that if I kept progressing at the current rate- when I felt I strong enough to return to work and Toni deemed it safe - he would approve it!  I left that appointment with more hope than I had experienced in years!

The next few weeks were a whirlwind, filled with prayer, anxiety and anticipation.  Once we arrived home, I was grilled, drilled and joy-filled, though not always in that order.  I was able to come off more medications.  Exercise routines and sleep patterns were changed to prep for a return to rotating shifts.  Plus, we spent time working with meds, darkness and strobe lights...until God restored my balance and equilibrium.

In early May, at Toni's request,  I return to the neuropsychologist who had performed all my cognitive testing throughout my illness. It was strictly precautionary- and as I much as I dreaded it, I repeated the entire battery of cognitive testing. Those hours were nerve-racking.  In the end, it was a confidence builder, as the neuropsychologist said that I had recovered to full capacity, well beyond what he had ever projected possible.  God is great!

On May 26th, 2011- I returned to work full-time/full-duty with the United States Border Patrol.
Another miracle had been granted, and while I still faced challenges, I was finally "me" again.


                                     denton.moberly@live.com




No comments: